I am not a fan of China still... but we're working on it. Ambivalent existence is defined as being in a state of two opposing emotions at the same time, the liminality term of emotions. And for now I will be content living in that state of liminality. I am depressed living here, but I know that it is still early and in time things will change. Hate is but love it= Ambivalence.
Yesterday was ok... but here is the ambivalent nature of my life now.
My baggage finally arrived and this is the first step into reaching "happy". Clothing. Notebooks. Poetry Books. My Lunchbox. It's nice to have some of my things. It all prompted a quick shower and a change to fresh fresh clothing, which after going to Burning Man--that's a rant for later-- the clothing is big even the shower *meh.* The ability to change my cloths from the ones I had been wearing in 90ยบ+ and 70%+ humidity for 3 days that was good. I never thought unpacking could be a joyous event but it was. In London I had a discussion about the importance of ritual, and there was nothing mundane about me unpacking my bag!
I took each polo shirt out, took a whiff of the fabric and then refolded it and put it in one of the closets. I am lacking hangers at the moment so all my dress-shirts received the same treatment as the polos, and to be an equal-opportunity unpacker, so did the pants. Now while this sounds, and is, all completely neurotic, here is where that $100,000 college degree comes in and the free common sense. My neurotic movements: unfolding, smelling, refolding, placment became ritual; fabric purchased for mundane life at home from anywhere between $8-50 became a sacred connecting object between Iain Chandler Culp of Oregon and Iain Chandler Culp of Nanjing, China. To the uninitiated ritual is meaningless or neurotic, but a stranger in a strange land will do what needs to be done to keep that portion of home as close to his heart. So my ambivalence is born of the hatred of leaving my old life, but the love of this new one. And all of this was just from unpacking my clothing!!
After the clothing I went for the pages that I've been saving from from Aperture. They're all on my wall now in a collage. I call it "Oh, That way, madness lies..." because that's the quote that is in the middle of the whole mess, and it's from King Lear. It's a good size, a portion of the wall. And I think I'll keep expanding just as an activity to keep me sane. There are a few magazine stands outside the school and then there are a few book stores 'round and so it will grow.
As for today the plan is to head to the Xianlin and lean what the hell I am doing here for the rest of the year. We had a session yesterday which was all about living in Nanjing and what not, it was good. I got a map. That is good. So I'll update you all with what I learn today, tomorrow at 4am when i can't sleep.
Seriously Iain, I totally get what you mean about the ritual thing. I happen to think rituals are good for a great deal many of things, but one of their key functions is really rooting us in a time of transition. You're really in two worlds right now, a place of liminality. Obviously you know this way more than I do, but in theory I completely get what you're going through, and I get it in premonition for what I'll be going through when I travel to China as well. Definitely keep on that collage of yours, and try to have fun!
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