A note about Ambivalence

It's what you have to do sometimes.

I am not a fan of China still... but we're working on it. Ambivalent existence is defined as being in a state of two opposing emotions at the same time, the liminality term of emotions. And for now I will be content living in that state of liminality. I am depressed living here, but I know that it is still early and in time things will change. Hate is but love it= Ambivalence.

Yesterday was ok... but here is the ambivalent nature of my life now.


My baggage finally arrived and this is the first step into reaching "happy". Clothing. Notebooks. Poetry Books. My Lunchbox. It's nice to have some of my things. It all prompted a quick shower and a change to fresh fresh clothing, which after going to Burning Man--that's a rant for later-- the clothing is big even the shower *meh.* The ability to change my cloths from the ones I had been wearing in 90º+ and 70%+ humidity for 3 days that was good. I never thought unpacking could be a joyous event but it was. In London I had a discussion about the importance of ritual, and there was nothing mundane about me unpacking my bag!

I took each polo shirt out, took a whiff of the fabric and then refolded it and put it in one of the closets. I am lacking hangers at the moment so all my dress-shirts received the same treatment as the polos, and to be an equal-opportunity unpacker, so did the pants. Now while this sounds, and is, all completely neurotic, here is where that $100,000 college degree comes in and the free common sense. My neurotic movements: unfolding, smelling, refolding, placment became ritual; fabric purchased for mundane life at home from anywhere between $8-50 became a sacred connecting object between Iain Chandler Culp of Oregon and Iain Chandler Culp of Nanjing, China. To the uninitiated ritual is meaningless or neurotic, but a stranger in a strange land will do what needs to be done to keep that portion of home as close to his heart. So my ambivalence is born of the hatred of leaving my old life, but the love of this new one. And all of this was just from unpacking my clothing!!

After the clothing I went for the pages that I've been saving from from Aperture. They're all on my wall now in a collage. I call it "Oh, That way, madness lies..." because that's the quote that is in the middle of the whole mess, and it's from King Lear. It's a good size, a portion of the wall. And I think I'll keep expanding just as an activity to keep me sane. There are a few magazine stands outside the school and then there are a few book stores 'round and so it will grow.

As for today the plan is to head to the Xianlin and lean what the hell I am doing here for the rest of the year. We had a session yesterday which was all about living in Nanjing and what not, it was good. I got a map. That is good. So I'll update you all with what I learn today, tomorrow at 4am when i can't sleep.

In China

So I am in China. It's ok. Once you get past the fact that I can't speak the language. My luggage was left in Vancouver and only Knows where it is now. And for some reason I am still on oregon time and can't sleep. My specifically designed web suffering chain also fell apart because i guess they knew about some of the servers I was using. And that boy's and girls is the tip of the Iceberg. However, on the bright side, I am not the Titanic and this is the reason I was having panic attacks back at home, so that when I got here... I'd be ready.

Today I slept most of the day which was a mistake on my part, as I am now awake at 3 am. I did find there is a meeting for the English teacher Thursday at 10am. So my plan for now is to go spin some poi, go back to bed and tomorrow, GET MY LUGGAGE!

A Little Verklempt

While sitting in the Portland International Airport, I am for the first time in a long time really paralyzed with fear. The gate I am boarding at is E6. For those of you who don't know E6 is at the end of one of the corridors and down a flight of stairs and by God walking that walk was one of the longest things. I know that in time I will be excited and happy and will love that I am going, but for now I am so wracked with tension and fear that I can only hope that I can get up when they call my seat number. It may sound a little dramatic, but there are no words, phrases, or actions that can truly pass on to you dear reader how bloody well terrified I am. All I can do is meditate on the tapping of my keys and hope that they, along with a klonopin will sedate my mood.

But let us turn from the tension now to the mediation of the stars and lights from the past two nights.

Friday night I posted a facebook event, telling those who wished to say bye, to appear at the Roxy (It's a Diner on Stark St. in Portland). And those who showed up filled my hear with joy. We at cheese fries, I chatted with Maddie, Hiedi and Joey, John and Katie, Cammron, Q, and a few others who popped in and out. Then went walking down to the water front, grabbed some drinks on the way. We made our way to the Waterfront and I took some wonderful photos of people I love.

Those will be posted somewhere shortly and I'll update this post when I do.

Then last night, Cody, Cherry, Megan, Ryan, and I took a jaunt to Cody's house and had a bit of cake and star gazing. Despite the ruckus that ensued because of a lack of blankets and an overabundance of hormones, I did get to stare at the stars. And It was fantastic. Their overabundance coupled with knowledge that those stars are similar to the ones in China but only slightly different. I guess I have seen the stars from the various points in the norther hemisphere and they are all the same cycle but all so different. I don't really know what the point I am getting at with the stars, but maybe it goes something like this. When I was in middle school I remember singing a duet with Caryoln Leader and the duet went like this:

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

The song is "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tail and maybe that brings me to the end of this blog. It may be a little random but here it is, the moral or important part in a nice little package:

I am terrified, petrified even, but in the end "love can see us through."


I can do this.

Love you All,
Iain C.

About the Title

So here is a little late night blurb about the title.

In my final year at Pacific I took creative writing poetry class and, needless to say, I wrote a lot of different work. Of the 15 or so poems I wrote, however, my favorite was one I wrote while two other friends were neglecting me for a song they were writing. Like all good works, it came inexplicably and without warning (paraphrased from Stranger than Fiction and I love it. So without further ado, the poem:

A Sense of Scale

We turn our heads skyward,
just like the turkeys who
drown in the rain.

Wonder.

Awe, maybe as we look up,
mouth agape, God will
reach down our throats,
plucking out our souls:
the little stones.

We’ll ascend
past reasons for looking up.

Past the ozone,
the ionosphere.

Past six of the seven
choirs of angels.

We’ll be set in a vase,
with stars and meteors,
taking place with the rest of the universe;
so God can dip her beak in
and take a drink of water.

I feel there is a certain elegance to the poem and I want to bring that to my blog. Vast: encompassing the whole of the universe, God, human knowledge, the big things. Minuet: little stones, the need for water. And most importantly the wonder that I want to capture. Well back to packing. About 6 hours till my first flight.

The First Post:

So this is my new Blog. On the eve of leaving for China I am scared out of my mind. I am leaving for Nanjing, Jiangsu, China and I am however excited. I plan to be teaching at Nanjing Foreign Language School Xianlin Campus for a full year. During that year I plan on using this blog to keep people up to date as much as I can. My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 9:30 and I will maybe later post something about my last night in Portland.